


Wild is . . . Different

by CaptainNaztyPantz



Category: Legend of Zelda
Genre: Crack, F/F, Link is how I play BOTW, M/M, Pure Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:46:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26722375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainNaztyPantz/pseuds/CaptainNaztyPantz
Summary: It has been two years since Link awoke in the Shrine of Resurrection . . . So why the hell hasn’t he come to defeat Calamity Ganon yet?!?(AKA: Link dgaf and Zelda and Calamity Ganon are baffled. I am shitposting at this point)
Relationships: Ganondorf/Link (Legend of Zelda)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 65





	Wild is . . . Different

“Soooo . . . “ Ganon started. They hadn’t spoken for a few months, mostly because Ganon was keeping busy with all of the blood moons he was putting out. His monsters were depleted in a cycle of at most every three days. 

Zelda hummed, she herself pretty busy keeping Calamity contained. 

“I know I’ve said this before, but like, do you think that your hero is ever going to come save you, or . . . ?”

She shrugged. At this point she really didn’t know. “Dude, what the hell is he even doing out there? It shouldn’t have taken him this long. This is ridiculous.” 

Believe it or not, Zelda didn’t bitch much, but when she did Calamity was such a bro about it. “Well he’s presumably killing a lot of monsters. Like, a lot. But I mean, I can’t see what he’s physically doing. I thought that was your realm, what with your Hylia eyes and everything.”

“Brooooooo. Being a reincarnated Goddess doesn’t work like that. I think. I didn’t have much time to learn before you came around and dicked everything tits up.”

Calamity rolled his big beast eyes. “Oh gurl, pu-lease, you’d still be thinking you were mortal if it weren’t for me. You’re welcome.”

“Fuck off,” Zelda said affectionately, with the proper amount of middle finger. 

“Wellllll . . . “

“What?” Zelda asked, only half-heartedly focusing on the Force barriers. Calamity had made her watch Star Wars, and she was overdrive about it. She had made him call her “Jedi Princess Zelda” for three months afterwards. He was so annoyed by it that he had banned movie nights. 

“We could always go out there and find him ourselves.”

Two years ago she would have laughed and said, “nice try, buddy.”

But now? Now she was kinda pissed, and so over being stuck here with only an evil pig guy to talk to. Even though she had seen his person form and he was totally hot like burning. Too bad she was totally gay. She was still pissed that Calamity had killed Urbosa, because she had wanted to marry the woman. 

Anyway, so yeah, she said, “Yeah, alright, fuck it, let’s go,” because she was tired of waiting for this absolute asshole and dropped the barriers right then and there. 

“YASSSS, fucking sweet. You’re the best, Jedi Princess Zelda!” cause the name had stuck now. 

“Okay let’s go find this dickweed.”

“Cool, hop on my monster back. He’s fighting a Lynel in the Hebra mountains right now.” Zelda climbed on and Calamity monster-warped them. Zelda wasn’t cold because when she said that Calamity was hot like burning she meant it literally. 

They got there just in time to see Link shield surfing towards the Lynel, yelling “TRICK SHOT” as he Revali’d himself into the sky and shot the Lynel in the face with a bomb arrow. It died in a puff of guts and arrows, Link snapping a quick selfie with the remains. 

“Link, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN??” Zelda yelled with no chill. 

“Hol’ up, bruv, I gotta tweet this. 500th Lynel shot #TRICKSHOT #LEGEND #MYDICK_ISBIG”

He looked up finally and saw Calamity and Zelda looking real pissed. He smiled. “Ayyyyyyy, Zelda, gurl, wanna Netflix and chill? Hey check out my Korok army, they’re big fans. I even got this giant piece of shit. They call it ‘fanart’. Ain’t that just fuckin’ adorbs?”

He said, scrolling through his pics and showing her the picture of him on top of a veritable mountain of Koroks. 

“Who’s the fat one with the maracca’s?” Calamity asked, intrigued. 

“Oh, that’s my man Big K. He’s tight as helllll.”

Zelda punched Calamity in the beast arm, though it hurt her fist more than it hurt him. “Don’t encourage this buffoonery!” 

“Loosen up your asshole, Zelds, it’s no biggie,” Link said, leaning over to take a selfie with her. “Anyway, I gotta go kill another Lynel. There was another blood moon last night which is sweeeet. Thanks Clamity.” He raised his arm for the ancient bro fist. Calamity raised his hoof and completed the sacred act. 

“Peace dudes,” he said, holding up said peace sign while warping away.

“LINK-“

“I actually go by Wild now,” Link said before disappearing in blue streaks and particles. 

There was a pause before he was back again, Revali’d up the mountain like it ain’t no thang. “Actually, Ganman, I wanna fuck. You dtf?”

“HELL YES.”

“Cool cool. Let’s hit it and get it.” 

And then they fucked. Calamity was only mildly exasperated when Wild tweeted about it. 

#FUCKEDTHEGANMAN #HIS_DICKUS_BIGGUS #NO_MORTAL_FORM #BEAST_MODE


End file.
